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A thinly-veiled attempt at entertainment
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ONTARIO ELX DAY (6/2)
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Your misgivings are grounded in paranoia. You like to psychoanalyze your friends but have no real experience with life in general. Your next career: Master Ferris Wheel Operator.
You’re not as stupid as your friends say you are. You’ll be struck in the face with a large set of balls. Your love of animals may be reaching an unhealthy level. Your next career: Exotic Pet Therapist.
You will buy some minors alcohol today. You use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. All of your furniture will try to kill you. Your next career: Drunk Politician.
You are conservative and afraid of taking any risks. Your “friends” talk about you behind your back, and they’re not saying nice things. Your next career: Satanic Guidance Counsellor.
You can accomplish anything, as long as it’s easy. Today is what life’s all about. You will be given a box of fake eyeballs for some reason. Immediately contact the police. Your next career: Optometrist.
You will come into possession of extra money today. It could be from a raise, a gift, or a creepy man will give you some for the “job” you performed for him. Your next career: Twerk Instructor.
Your mobile phone company hates you and is trying to kill you. You strive to be a doormat for some reason. Buy a Jamaican Siamese cat today and name it Chord. Your next career: Foot Model.
You need something new in your life today. Maybe try some goat milk in your coffee, ice-skate to work, or even buy a bag of blood to keep the mosquitoes away. Your next career: Discount Funeral Director
Six years ago today you exposed yourself in public. Please try not to do that again. In the event of a nuclear war, rub unsalted butter all over your body. Your next career: Crosswalk painter.
A shark will eat a friend today. You can warn them, but they have been very annoying lately. Remember all the good times you had together before making a decision. Your next career: Paediatrician.
Today you will receive a worthless coupon in the mail. Wipe the seat, pig. Your neighbour’s cat is plotting your death. Don’t go to the police, they’ll think you’re crazy! Your next career: Mime.
Against all odds, you will accomplish a very basic task today. Take a chance on that hottie down in the mailroom. Don’t Google what a duck’s penis looks like. Your next career: Mall Security.
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