The Chicago White Sox (who I’m told are a baseball team) played the Chicago Cubs (who I’m told are another baseball team) at Wrigley Field last night. However, it’s not the fact that Chicago has two professional baseball teams that is making the rounds online today. After the White Sox jumped out to an
A former star of TLC’s “Toddlers and Tiaras,” Kailia Posey, tragically took her own life at the age of just 16, her family says. Posey’s mother confirmed her death earlier this week in a brief post on Facebook. Posey reached global fame when a gif of her grinning, five-year-old self from the TLC reality
Ontario Provincial Police are trying to figure out who’s responsible for piloting a drone carrying illegal handguns into the country and who the intended recipient was. Lambton OPP officers were contacted on Friday about a large drone stuck in a tree in Port Lambton, about 5 kilometres south of Sarnia, Ontario. When police arrived
It’s Groundhog Day in Ottawa as “Rolling Thunder” protesters attempt to seize the downtown core in what they’re hoping will be Ottawa Occupation 2: Electric Boogaloo. Incoherent screams filled the air, along with a strong smell of Pall Mall Smooths and motorcycle exhaust on the first night of the “Rolling Thunder” biker rally. Only
Using what he believed to be fluent French, Canada’s dumbest anti-vaxxer, Chris “Sky” Saccoccia, posted a video on Telegram in which he attempts to connect with Quebeckers. The 20 second video is captioned: “I think I speak better french [sic] than @justinpitrudeau [Prime Minister Justin Trudeau]! Share this with all your francophones! @[username redacted]
Your misgivings are grounded in paranoia. You like to psychoanalyze your friends but have no real experience with life in general. Your next career: Master Ferris Wheel Operator.
You’re not as stupid as your friends say you are. You’ll be struck in the face with a large set of balls. Your love of animals may be reaching an unhealthy level. Your next career: Exotic Pet Therapist.
You will buy some minors alcohol today. You use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. All of your furniture will try to kill you. Your next career: Drunk Politician.
You are conservative and afraid of taking any risks. Your “friends” talk about you behind your back, and they’re not saying nice things. Your next career: Satanic Guidance Counsellor.
You can accomplish anything, as long as it’s easy. Today is what life’s all about. You will be given a box of fake eyeballs for some reason. Immediately contact the police. Your next career: Optometrist.
You will come into possession of extra money today. It could be from a raise, a gift, or a creepy man will give you some for the “job” you performed for him. Your next career: Twerk Instructor.
Your mobile phone company hates you and is trying to kill you. You strive to be a doormat for some reason. Buy a Jamaican Siamese cat today and name it Chord. Your next career: Foot Model.
You need something new in your life today. Maybe try some goat milk in your coffee, ice-skate to work, or even buy a bag of blood to keep the mosquitoes away. Your next career: Discount Funeral Director
Six years ago today you exposed yourself in public. Please try not to do that again. In the event of a nuclear war, rub unsalted butter all over your body. Your next career: Crosswalk painter.
A shark will eat a friend today. You can warn them, but they have been very annoying lately. Remember all the good times you had together before making a decision. Your next career: Paediatrician.
Today you will receive a worthless coupon in the mail. Wipe the seat, pig. Your neighbour’s cat is plotting your death. Don’t go to the police, they’ll think you’re crazy! Your next career: Mime.
Against all odds, you will accomplish a very basic task today. Take a chance on that hottie down in the mailroom. Don’t Google what a duck’s penis looks like. Your next career: Mall Security.