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ONTARIO ELX DAY (6/2)

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ONTARIO ELECTION DAY (6/2)

ONTARIO ELX
DAY (6/2)

Days
Hrs
Mins

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VIDEOS

HOROSCOPES

Capricorn

Your misgivings are grounded in paranoia. You like to psychoanalyze your friends but have no real experience with life in general. Your next career: Master Ferris Wheel Operator.

Aquarius

You’re not as stupid as your friends say you are. You’ll be struck in the face with a large set of balls. Your love of animals may be reaching an unhealthy level. Your next career: Exotic Pet Therapist.

Pisces

You will buy some minors alcohol today. You use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. All of your furniture will try to kill you. Your next career: Drunk Politician.

Aries

You are conservative and afraid of taking any risks. Your “friends” talk about you behind your back, and they’re not saying nice things. Your next career: Satanic Guidance Counsellor.

Taurus

You can accomplish anything, as long as it’s easy. Today is what life’s all about. You will be given a box of fake eyeballs for some reason. Immediately contact the police. Your next career: Optometrist.

Gemini

You will come into possession of extra money today. It could be from a raise, a gift, or a creepy man will give you some for the “job” you performed for him. Your next career: Twerk Instructor.

Cancer

Your mobile phone company hates you and is trying to kill you. You strive to be a doormat for some reason. Buy a Jamaican Siamese cat today and name it Chord. Your next career: Foot Model.

Leo

You need something new in your life today. Maybe try some goat milk in your coffee, ice-skate to work, or even buy a bag of blood to keep the mosquitoes away. Your next career: Discount Funeral Director

Virgo

Six years ago today you exposed yourself in public. Please try not to do that again. In the event of a nuclear war, rub unsalted butter all over your body. Your next career: Crosswalk painter.

Libra

A shark will eat a friend today. You can warn them, but they have been very annoying lately. Remember all the good times you had together before making a decision. Your next career: Paediatrician.

Scorpio

Today you will receive a worthless coupon in the mail. Wipe the seat, pig. Your neighbour’s cat is plotting your death. Don’t go to the police, they’ll think you’re crazy! Your next career: Mime.

Sagittarius

Against all odds, you will accomplish a very basic task today. Take a chance on that hottie down in the mailroom. Don’t Google what a duck’s penis looks like. Your next career: Mall Security.

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